The Husband Store (HUMOR)

A Little "Light Hearted Humor"
For The Men and The Ladies

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

• You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads...

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads...

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Summer Classes for MEN (COMEDY)

AT THE HEIGHTENED AWARENESS LEARNING CENTER FOR MALE ADULTS.

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THE CURRICULUM, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion..

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion --- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstrations.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Recognition Awards - Upon successful completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.



7 Things Your Husband wants to Tell You

Read this article from by Woman's Day - thought it was good!

While you may not buy into the idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, when it comes to communication, men and women do express themselves in different ways. “For women, the purpose of communication is most often to relate; for men, it’s usually to share information,” So while it may seem to you that he disregards your feelings, he might be wishing like crazy you would just tell him what you want. Read on to learn seven things your husband wants to tell you in order to help bridge the communication gap.

1. A small "thank-you" makes a huge difference.

You might think, “I do plenty around here, so why do I have to say 'thank you' whenever he pitches in?” But he probably doesn't agree: “I’d cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry much more happily if my wife said ‘thank you’ more often,” says James.* Just like you, he needs appreciation and, yes, a little ego-stroking. “Studies have shown that happy couples give compliments often. Offering a simple ‘thank-you’ is an easy way to show appreciation and make him feel significant,” says Todd Creager, licensed marriage therapist and author of The Long, Hot Marriage.

2. I’m more likely to offer you concrete advice than a shoulder to cry on.

When you come home from work and start complaining to your husband about your demanding boss, to him it sounds like you’re asking for help—even if all you want is a sympathetic ear. Dave* encounters this often: “The other day my wife was venting about a problem. Every time I came up with a solution or suggestion she would interrupt and dismiss it. She thinks I’m telling her what to do, or implying that she can’t think of solutions on her own.” Know that when he gives you advice for handling that bad boss or overbearing sister-in-law, “that’s how he shows that he cares,” says Dr. Lewis. Try not to confuse his advice with criticism, but don’t be shy about telling him, “You know, I’ve tried that, too. I think what I really need now is to just vent!”

3. If you want a chore done by a certain day, tell me that.

You asked him four times to fix the wobbly cabinet door to no avail, so your complaints about him not doing it seem justified. “My wife does this all the time. I know I have things on my mental to-do list that she wants me to handle, and I will! But unless she tells me it’s urgent, I’m going to get to it when I can,” says Don.* When he hears you ask for a task or chore to be done, all he’s hearing is that you want it done—not that you want it done based on a time line you've set but haven't shared with him, says Dr. Lewis. “He wishes you knew that he’d be very happy to fix whatever you want fixed, so long as you’re specific: ‘It would be great if you got that cabinet door fixed by the time my parents arrive on Sunday.’”

4. Tell me directly what’s bothering you.

Since human beings lived in caves, men have probably sat around bewildered by their mates’ fluctuating moods, wondering why she won’t just say, “I’m pissed off at you because...” instead of, “I’m fine” through clenched teeth. The thing is, he knows there’s something wrong, thanks to the exaggerated sighing and stomping around. “You may think you’re not communicating, but you are. What you feel is being transmitted,” says Creager, just not in a healthy way. The key is to express it directly––“I’m upset that you came home and went straight to the computer”––rather than being passive-aggressive.

5. Please don’t ask me how you look in that dress.

First of all, there’s no right answer to a question like, “Do these pants make me look fat?” Then there are the times you ask his opinion even though you’ve already made up your mind: “My wife seems to ask things like ‘Should I buy that dress?’ to confirm her choice, not to get my real opinion. And if she asks me how she looks in a dress, I know well enough to say ‘I love it!’ no matter what I really think,” says Alex.* So either don’t ask at all, or be specific, advises Dr. Lewis. “Ask him, ‘Do you think these shoes match this dress?’” And definitely think before you ask things like “Does my butt look big in this skirt?” If you want a blanket “You look great to me all the time, honey!” then you’re fine as long as your husband's willing to play along. But if it’s honesty you’re after, be careful what you wish for.

6. I wish you didn’t think we had to talk all the time to be close.

You both get home from work, or finally get the kids into bed, and then you just sit there watching television. You call this togetherness? The truth is that he does, even if to you, it’s not “being together” unless you’re actively having a conversation. “The silence in the room, and just your presence, feels like closeness to a man,” says Dr. Lewis. “He doesn’t necessarily need, as you might, to be engaged in conversation in order to feel connected to you.” So every now and then, reach out and squeeze his hand, and if you want to talk, say so––but don’t assume that silence equals lack of interest.

7. I wish you wanted sex more.

You may be thinking that your hubby always wants sex, but what you don’t understand is that by rejecting him you’re making him wonder what he’s doing wrong. “Many men think, ‘I must not be so good at it,’” says Dr. Lewis. It’s not just about his needs; it’s also about pleasing you. “Both men and women want to feel intimate with each other, and what women need to understand is that men often derive intimacy from sex––whereas oftentimes women need intimacy in order to have sex. So talk about what you both really want, and find compromises that work for you," she adds. And if you are in the mood? Act on it! He'll not only love that you initiated it, but also appreciate feeling desired by you.

Photo Shoot at the Beach SLIDESHOW!

Slideshow done by Justin's little brother from the photoshoot he did when we were in Orange Beach, AL :)

Become IRRESISTABLE to Your Husband (ABC's)

Read this article, thought it was great!
Courtesy of Cindi McMenamin, Author

Having a difficult time getting your husband's attention? Sometimes he simply needs a boost. A boost to his ego so he will believe you want him, physically as well as emotionally. Sometimes he needs some extra effort on your part to be enticed and drawn toward you.

A – Affirm him. One of the things your man finds most attractive about you is that you were at one time (and hopefully still are) attracted to him. A man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he’s winning. Let him know he’s a great provider, he is great at what he does, he can still get your heart racing– whatever it is that you can compliment him on. And mean it. A woman who sings her man’s praises is a woman he’ll come after… so he can hear more!

B – Be a mystery.  Men still love a challenge; just don’t make it too complicated. Does your husband know everything there is to know about you? If so, develop a new skill or idea or come up with a secret he’s dying to discover.  When you become a mystery to your husband there are things about you that he still wants to know, things you’re thinking that he’d like for you to divulge, secrets in your soul that he’ll be challenged to draw out. You don’t give him a chance if you tell him everything. Write him an anonymous note from a “secret admirer” and put it somewhere you couldn’t have and don’t reveal it was from you. Offer to meet him somewhere and show up in a new dress and hairstyle. Be mysterious, in some ways. Be to him a treasure chest full of secrets he’s dying to unlock!
C – Cultivate your relationship with Christ. What makes you truly attractive, and one worth pursuing? The beauty of Christ in you. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23).  What man doesn’t want to chase after a woman who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – they love this one the best – self-controlled!
D – Dress for him.  Some women don’t think much about what they wear, with the excuse that they’re just not into the “latest” fashion. Or, they will dress nice when they go to church, or out with girlfriends, but not put much effort into how they look for “just my husband.” But men can recognize “frumpy” even if we can’t. And dress for him at night, too. Your husband might be majorly turned off by a “grandma” night gown that resembles something his mother used to wear! So, it may be time to invest in some lingerie or just something ‘form flattering’ or feminine.
E – Exude confidence. He once found it attractive in you. He still does. So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, “big knees,” “small chest,” cellulite, veins or whatever, get over it. He has. Honestly, he doesn’t see all the body flaws you think are so very obvious. Men tend to not analyze or critique our bodies nearly as much as we do.  When you are confident in your speech, your walk, your relationship with him, and your role as his wife that, too, is attractive.
F – Flirt with him. If he loved it back then, he’ll still love it today…maybe even more. Flirting is a hidden art among women today. We usually have too many other things on our mind to even think about saying something to get his attention and let him know we’re thinking of him. But flirting can be sending a text message or leaving a voice mail telling him he’s on your mind. Think: what did I do back when we dated? And that will help with your flirt factor.
G- Give him the best of you. We tend to give the best of ourselves to our jobs, or our children, or our homes. And our husbands tend to get the leftovers – of our time, energy and even, our looks. I know many women who enjoy remodeling their homes. But what about remodeling ourselves now and then? The Bible says our bodies are the temple of God. So how long has it been since the temple’s been remodeled? Do what you  can to keep your body in shape, healthy, and holy for the Lord and for your husband, too. The Bible tells us that we are not only the temple of God, but we belong to our husbands. So we take care of ourselves for them, too.

H – Have a positive attitude. Can your husband always count on a smile or a kind word? Or does he enter the house walking on eggshells, and unsure of what kind of mood you’ll be in?  Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, he’ll generally want to be in your company.
I – Initiate. I can’t say enough here. Initiate a hug. Initiate a kind word or compliment. Initiate lovemaking. Chances are your husband dreams of the “wild woman” within you. Let your inner tigress come out now and then and show him he’s still the one. You want to be pursued. So does he, now and then. Surprise him. And show him there’s a side of you he has yet to discover.
J – Join him in something he enjoys. Michelle told me she began to be more interesting – and more of a pursuit – to her husband when she adopted his interest in working out.
“I was complaining to my husband that I was tired, bored, and didn’t have time to exercise. He told me that the kids were always going to take my time, but that I was the only one who could make working out a priority. I started to listen. I made time for my workouts a priority. I made the kids ride their bikes, while I started running. Now, years later, I’m not the nagging, tired, old wife. I am the new wife, with a cute body, and more interesting things to talk about. We talk about workouts, nutrition, and even exercise together. It has really ignited a new passion within our marriage. I can’t keep up with my husband, but the fact that I try makes it more interesting.”
By taking up a particular interest that her husband had, Michelle was able to accomplish nearly every one of the A-B-C’s in that one “J.”
K – Kiss him with passion. Not just a peck on the cheek, like you’d do to your child. But really kiss him. Studies show that couples who kiss each other daily enjoy a higher satisfaction rate in marriage than those who don’t. So take the initiative and kiss him. Yes, you’d like him to kiss you first, but do for him what you’d like him to do for you. Kiss him like you mean it. And see what happens.
L – Leave the lights on. Need I say more? As a man, your husband is visually wired. And it’s believed men see in soft focus anyway, meaning your man is not nearly as critical of your body as you are. Make the most of what you have to offer him and trust he’ll appreciate it.
M – Make his favorite meal or dessert. The best way to your man’s heart may still be through his stomach. So let him know you care and whip up what he loves to eat. Food is still good foreplay when it comes to men.
N – Notice the little things. My husband really does want me to notice his latest haircut even though I really can’t tell the difference. When you notice things about your husband it says to him that you’re aware of him, appreciating him and – convey this one, too – admiring him.  Make your observation into a compliment not a complaint. (In other words, don’t notice that his shirt is wrinkled or he’s wearing athletic socks with casual shoes. Notice that he still looks nice when he dresses up – or doesn’t.)
O – Offer to do one thing that will make his day go smoother. You might be surprised at how simple his one request is – pick up his suit at the drycleaners, pack him a lunch, pray for him during a crucial meeting? Just offering to do something for him will show him your heart is tuned toward his needs.
P- Plan a surprise for him. Men are, at times, like little boys. They love surprises and spontaneity if at the appropriate time. Find out what he’s been missing and bring it back whether it’s a hairstyle on your head or a favorite place to eat.
Q – Quit directing, correcting, and controlling. (That one came from my husband and I tried not to take it personally!) Let him lead. It will show him that you do believe in him and his ability to handle a situation.
R – Respect who he is and what he does. He needs that from you more than you realize.
S – Spontaneity. Be unpredictable, but in a good way. Suggest you eat somewhere you never have. Wear a color you never have before. Go outside your comfort zone and take a risk with him. It will make him feel like he has a brand new wife, especially if you’ve been mothering him more than dating him lately.
T – Text him endearing messages like “You’re still the one,” “I’m a lucky woman to have you” and “You still take my breath away.” Chances are, he may begin to text some of those messages back.
U – Use a soft voice with him. Few men are attracted to loud and boisterous. Talking softly conveys femininity.
V – Visibility. See “L- Leave the lights on.” It’s that important to him, which is why I’m mentioning it – twice!
W – Watch his favorite movie or show with him. Even if you can’t stomach sports or another episode of “Man vs. Food,” if he loves it, watch it with him. And try to enjoy it – for his sake.
X – Xercise (ok I cheated on the spelling here…but how many words start with X?) Exercise will improve your mood and overall health,  which will, in turn, make you more enjoyable to be around. Even better, exercise along with him, if it’s possible.
Y – “Yes” – say it often. It may be his favorite word from you. “Yes, we can invite your friends over for the game.” “Yes, I’ll try that new type of food with you.” “Yes, I’ll wear that just for you.” Think: “Your will, not mine.” Self sacrifice goes a long way in marriage.
Z – Zealously pursue Christ and your husband. As you look to God first as your Heavenly Husband (Isaiah 54:5), your earthly husband can’t help but notice Christ-like character in you…the essence of true beauty. And when you pursue you pursue your husband, you are affirming to him that he is worth the pursuit.

How to Be a Classy Lady - Part 2 - Personal Grooming

Personal grooming is not about vanity. Actually, it's quite the opposite. You'll actually draw less attention to yourself when you're neat and tidy than when you're not well groomed. You won't cause someone ponder thinking, "Why wouldn't they present themself better?" or "Wow, all that hair under her arm is really distracting....and almost disturbing."

Now if you're reading this and disagreed with what I just said, then you can stop reading. If you're one of those people that like to go "natural", good luck with it, and you can stop reading this too because the following will not be agreeable with your thoughts.

Personal grooming is to present yourself in the best way possible. It tells people what you think of yourself.

Let's start off with a MUST-DO of Personal Grooming!

YOUR FACE: Is really important, this is the first thing that people see...

1. Good Skin -  
1. A person with good personal grooming always seem to have a clear, even complexion. If you don't have good skin, find and establish a skin care regime that works.
2. Some good skin tips include wearing sunscreen, exercise regularly, sleep well and drink lots of water.
3. Yes, there will be seasons when we start to battle zits. A good concealer helps mask those little imperfections because a spotty face is distracting.
2. Removal of Facial Hair
1. Hair around the lips must be removed at ALL times.
2. Eyebrows should be shaped about once in 6 weeks and maintained every week.
3. Make Up
1. Aim for a fresh appearance.
2. Wear heavier make-up in the evening

YOUR BODY: Is important, for it's the only thing that you'll have for the rest of your life....

1. Exercise and Posture
1. You can tell when a woman applies personal grooming to her body when she takes care of it.
2. Exercise affects your core muscles and gives you good posture. I know when I'm not getting enough exercise when I start to slouch, my stomach muscles are getting weak!
3. When you exercise, you will gain more self-esteem and confidence because you feel good about yourself. Don't you feel better when you find clothes to wear? Or finding clothes that fit?
4. Pay attention to your gestures and movement. Always remember to move with grace. Ballroom or ballet lessons improve how you move.
2. Hair Removal
1. In general, hair from your legs, underarms, bikini lines should be removed at all times and your upper thights and arms too if your natural body hair is long and dark.
2. For your face, upper lip hair should be removed and eyebrows should be shaped.
3. Nails
1. Should always be clean and shaped.
2. Ideally, nails should be polished or buffed, or coated with clear coat. It doesn't really matter if they're short or long,
3. Dirty nails are a rude shock, and not to mention that it's bad to the health. The most elegant look is a French manicure.
4. Don't forget to clean those toenails too!

YOU HAIR: Is important, reveals your personality and it could be a plus or a distraction...

1. Your hair should be clean, neat, tidy and styled.
2. Hair should be washed every other hair, depending on what type of hair you have.
3. Good hair etiquette also means never scratching your head, combing your hair or attempting to fix your hair in public.
4. Find a hairstyle that suits the shape of your face.
5. If you wear a different color to your natural hair, be sure to get your roots done regularly.

How To Be a Lady - Part 1

Why Be a Lady?

1. First of all, your world will be made more pleasant.

2. You'll be so pleased with yourself that you spoke kindly and gently, you'll smile from within!

3. Those beautiful  manners will be returned from others, treating you like royalty.

4. Your royal etiquette makes the men in your life feel more like gentlemen. Yes, you'll be amazed how civil and wonderful your time is spent together, even in disagreement.

5. People will love you, wherever you go, even the little dogs and cats. It is a great self-esteem booster!

6. You will feel more beautiful, and you will even have the courage to graciously stand up for something you believe in, or for someone who has no voice.

7. You will gain a relaxed sense of confidence, an ease about yourself. You will feel secure in yourself. You won't feel the need to impress or respond to bad manners with the same tit-for-tat. You are gracious.

8. Whether conscious or by instinct, being a lady helps you be decisive and assured - of knowing how to go about your day, get around in life, what to do in every situation.

9. Being a lady is about being kind. It is also about choosing to believe the best in others and yourself.

10. Ready to see what it takes to be one? It is easier than it looks, really. All it is really an extension of common sense.

Misconceptions of Being A Lady

A lady has to know all the rules of etiquette.
A lady is boring, she doesn't speak what she really thinks.
A lady has to dress in all this conservative looking clothes from the 1900s.
A lady has to carry a handkerchief everywhere she goes.
A lady doesn't like sports.
A lady is never sexy.

What it Means to Be a Lady in Today’s Culture

Today, what it means to 'be a lady' is lost among the sea of messages of what one wears, what one talks about, who she hangs out with or where they dine, holiday, hang out.

That is hardly the case.

I can say right now that being a lady is more than imitating the behaviors of a sophisticated and elegant lady, worse, if it's just because she has the income!

What it means to be a lady in today’s society is not memorizing a bunch of rules. It means that how you behave is birthed from a kind thought, or simply a more organized way of doing something.